A JOLLY MILLER?

 (With acknowledgements to Geoffrey Chaucer)

Based on The Reeve’s Tale

 SCENE 1

 (THE SCENE IS THE INTERIOR, DAYTIME, OF THE HOUSE OF THE COLLEGE WARDEN. THE TWO YOUNG MEN, ALAN AND JOHN ARE IN CONVERSATION WITH THE WARDEN. JOHN SPEAKS TO THE COLLEGE WARDEN)

 JOHN:             We are very glad you could se us both Warden. I know your time is limited and so we’ll come to the point straight away. You know Simkins, the miller, who has had a lot of trade with our college. Well. We’ve suspected him for a long time now with his dodgy practices.

 WARDEN:      Yes, I’ve never liked him. Unsavoury looking customer and a double-dealer if ever I saw one.

 ALAN: Our thoughts exactly. We’ve been watching him recently, and don’t like what we have seen.

 WARDEN:      Tell me more.

 JOHN:             Well, this miller is an absolute scoundrel who, over the years, has stolen a good deal of grain from the mill attached to our college…you know this already. We know him for what he is as we both used to live in his village and as he knows us there will be nothing suspicious about our calling on him. His latest crime is in taking advantage of the illness of our steward to line further his pockets. We’ll goad n visit this rogue – with your permission – to try and end his criminal career. He has gone too far this time. It is about time that he was stopped from stealing from us.

 WARDEN:      What you say is true; all right. I certainly give you permission and you can see what you can do.

 ALAN: Thank you Sir. We will both redeem somewhat the honour of this college and at the same time hopefully make a fool of this miller.

 JOHN:             Come on Alan, let’s get going. I know the way to the miller’s house. We must put that sack of grain upon the horse’s back, first.

 WARDEN:      Take care, John and Alan. Remember you are both promising students here and I wish to see you both return safely to resume your studies.

SCENE 2

 (JUST INSIDE THE MILLER’S HOUSE WHERE WE SEE ALAN PUTTING DOWN THE SACK. HE CALLS FOR SIMKINS)

 ALAN: Are you there, Simkins? Hallo! It is Alan and John here.

 (THE MILLER APPEARS FROM THE INNER ROOM)

 ALAN: How are you? How are your lovely daughter and comely wife?

 MILLER:         Alan and John! What are you doing here?

 JOHN:             Just come to say hello and to tell you some news.

 MILLER:         Oh yes. What is that?

 JOHN:             Well, what do you think of this? The steward of our college is sick – as I think you know – so we have taken the opportunity to “relieve” the college of some of its grain. We have brought it here because we hoped you would allow us to use your mill to grind the corn…for old time’s sake! Naturally there is something in it for you too…OK?

 SIMKINS:       Of course you can; but it is a long job. I hope you’ll not get bored. (A BIT SARCASTICALLY – THE MILLER WAS OF A SUSPICIOUS TURN OF MIND)

 JOHN:             Not at all. I’ll be interested to watch the hopper working to and fro. At the same time I may learn something about the art of milling…watching the corn going in and that sort of thing.

 ALAN: While you are doing that, John, I’ll have a look round the mill yard, if that’s all right with you, Simkins. I’m quite intrigued by the finished product, the way it lands up in the troughs. Don’t worry about us Simkins; we shall fill in our time somehow.

 SIMKINS:       Well, boys, get things ready while I just see to a few matters.

 (THE MILLER GOES OUT)

 JOHN:             Simkins doesn’t seem suspicious, Alan. Perhaps all will go according to plan.

 ALAN: He certainly seems to have swallowed our story.

 JOHN:             Well, we’re on the premises so it’s up to us now.

 ALAN: Simkins has a nice pile of flour ready bagged! Hope he doesn’t miss it too soon!

 JOHN:             It’s rightfully ours, anyway. We’re not pinching anything.

 ALAN: Belongs to the college. He’s cheated enough.

 JOHN:             OK? When we collect our stuff, you keep look out, while I relieve Simkins of some of his ill gotten gains. Once we’ve got the sacks on the horse’s back we’re away.

 ALAN: Let’s go before the rogue returns.

 (THEY WALK OUT OF THE DOOR. SIMKINS IS SEEN TO RETURN, LOOKING FURTIVELY AROUND AND SPEAKS HIS THOUGHTS ALOUD)

 SIMKINS:       I’m convinced they’re up to no good. I’m sure they’re trying something on. Well, I’m ready. For all their education I’ll teach them to try and get the better of me! Instead of flour, they shall have bran! And they will be none the wiser. First of all, I will let loose their nag and head it towards the fens where the wild mares are. This will help to upset their little plans!

 SCENE 3

(THE MILLER’S HOUSE AGAIN. ALAN AND JOHN COME IN AND SIMKINS ENTERS FROM HIS INNER ROOM)

 SIMKINS:       All ready now? Has the corn been ground to your satisfaction?

 ALAN: Yes, it is all ready and bagged up. Our sacks are bound and your share is in a separate sack. So we’re all prepared. John is just going out to get the horse so we can load up.

 (JOHN GOES OUT TO FETCH THEIR HORSE WHILE THE MILLER AND ALAN CONVERSE)

 ALAN: Well this is very good of you, Simkins, to allow us to use your mill like this.

SIMKINS:       Nothing to it! I only hope you manage to get away with some more to bring here – while your steward is indisposed! 

(JUST THEN JOHN RETURNED RATHER DISCOMFORTED, CRYING OUT):

Alan, the horse has gone! What are we going to do? It was the warden’s horse, as you know.

 ALAN: What! Which way has it gone, do you know? We’ll have to find it.

(THEN ENTERS THE MILLER’S WIFE WHO SAYS):        Alas your horse has run as fast as he can go to the fens where the wild mares are! Bad luck on him who didn’t tie the horse properly!

 JOHN:             Alan, for Christ’s sake, put down your sword and buckler so we can run after the animal! (JOHN DOES THE SAME) He must not escape. Why did you put the damn horse in the barn loosely tied? By God, Alan you are an idiot. 

(THE TWO RUN OUT WILDLY)

 MILLER (TO HIS WIFE):       While they are running about the countryside, my love, I shall take the opportunity to remove some of their flour for you to make into bread and they will never know! It will be some joke to be eating their own flour, as it were, before their very eyes!  I shall certainly get the better of them. They can go and play their game elsewhere…I’ll show them who is the fool round here.

WIFE:              You always do, Simkins. Stupid young fellows to think they can come here and dupe people.

SCENE 4

 (WE SEE SIMKINS IN THE BARN, HELPING HIMSELF TO WHAT WE SUPPOSE IS THE YOUNG MEN’S FLOUR. HE IS SHOVELLING FROM ONE BAG TO ANOTHER AND THEN FILLS UP WITH BRAN, HUSKS, LEFTOVERS OR RUBBISH)

SCENE 5

 (SIMKINS’ HOUSE. BUT NOW IT IS DUSK AND JOHN AND ALAN RETURN WEARY. THEY ENTER THE HOUSE)

 JOHN:             Nobody here. I hope they haven’t gone to bed.

 ALAN: No, I don’t think so, not yet anyway. That was certainly exhausting; it took us quite a time but at least we found the wretched beast before he had tired himself mating with all those mares! I’m wet and weary – I don’t know about you, John.

 JOHN: So am I! Very!

 (THEY COME UPON THEIR SACK AND IT LOOKS AS IF IT HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH)

 ALAN: This sack doesn’t look right, John/ Not exactly in the same place and not tied as I left it.

JOHN:             You don’t think…?

 ALAN: Yes. I do! Simkins has stolen some of our grain while we have been dashing about the fens like idiots! (LOOKING INTO THE SACK) And he has filled it up with something that looks like bran; rubbish of some sort.

 JOHN:             I’ll tell you what. Let’s go and see the miller, pretending we do not suspect anything.

 (JOHN SHOUTS TO THE MILLER WHO APPEARS):        Simkins, we have got the horse, securely tied up this time, but it has taken us hours. And now it is almost dark.

 SIMKINS:       I wondered where you had got to. You could have lodgings here for the night – you do look done in! Mind you, I can’t do it for nothing.

 ALAN & JOHN:         Thanks a lot. Don’t worry. We can afford it.

 SIMKINS:       Well, I’m sorry you had such a wild goose chase – or should it be a wild horse chase! At least you have got your horse back. It may be a bit makeshift but you are welcome to stay until morning.

 JOHN:             Thank you, Simkins, we are very much obliged to you for inviting us to stay.

 ALAN: After our dashing about on the moors we are ravenous. Have you any food left over? We will pay for it of course; we are not short of the ready now.

 (THE MILLER SHOUTS TO HIS DAUGHTER, WHO THEN APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY)

 SIMKINS:       Get something for these young men to eat and tell your mother. We might as well dine as well!

 DAUGHTER:   All right, father.

 SIMKINS (TO JOHN AND ALAN):  We have not got much in the way of sleeping accommodation here but it does for us. Sometimes it is a bit embarrassing! Actually that is the next thing – to build an extra bedroom on. For tonight you can sleep in the one large room where we all sleep – the dormitory we call it! (LAUGHINGLY) 

 JOHN:             Great, Simkins! I’m sure we will manage with whatever you do. That’s all right, isn’t it, Alan. Let us know if we can do anything. 

SIMKINS:       The daughter’s bed will be there as well; will be a bit crowded but as it’s only for one night…must get her used to more luxurious living! We have high hopes of her. She has been brought up strict and will make a good wife for some well to do, preferably titled, young man.

 ALAN & JOHN:         I’m sure she will, convent educated as well.

SCENE 6

(AGAIN SIMKINS’ HOUSE: AFTER THE MEAL. NOW IT IS DARK. SEATED AROUND THE TABLE ARE ALAN, JOHN, SIMKINS, HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER. ALAN AND JOHN GET TO THEIR FEET.)

 ALAN: That was very good. Thank you all. I’m sure we both feel better for it, don’t we John?

 SIMKINS’ WIFE:       Well, I hope you enjoyed it. We certainly did although we had a snack earlier. We DO tend to eat too much!

 SIMKINS:       As it’s late now I think we’d better retire if we are going to make an early start tomorrow.

 (THE MILLER IS SEEN TO BE THE WORSE FOR DRINK AND HIS WIFE IS TIDDLY TOO. THEY ALL MOVE INTO THE BEDROOM)

 WIFE:              We keep the baby’s cradle here so it is easy to attend to him if he wakes up in the night. I hope you will not fall over it in the dark; we do not keep candles burning all night. This is where we sleep; those are your beds and the daughter sleeps over there.

 DAUGHTER:               I hope you both sleep well. (SOMEWHAT COYLY): It is certainly more like a dormitory here than a bedroom!

 ALAN: Well, thanks for warning us about the cradle. I’m sure we’ll sleep well after such a hectic evening and such a good meal.

DAUGHTER:               Good night, lads. See you in the morning.

 WIFE:              Good night all. (SHE BLOWS OUT THE CANDLES. FADE OUT).

SCENE 7

 (SAME SCENE – (“THE BEDROOM”) - DEAD OF NIGHT. THE MILLER AND WIFE ARE HEARD SNORING. ALAN AND JOHN ARE NOT ASLEEP BECAUSE OF THE DIN. ALAN GETS OUT OF BED AND SHAKES JOHN)

 ALAN: Are you asleep, John? Did you ever hear such a racket? I can’t sleep; I’m going to do something! I have a fancy to share yonder wench’s bed. The miller is owed nothing. In fact, we should try to get our own back and remember why we came here. What do you think, John? I think the daughter fancies me anyway! What a figure! I certainly fancy her.

 JOHN (HALF ASLEEP):         Alan what are you talking about?

 ALAN: For one thing half of our corn has been stolen by this blackguard – and we came to teach him a lesson! Having it off with his daughter will be a good recompense! 

JOHN:             be careful; the miller is a violent man. Suppose he awakes out of his sleep…he would do us both a mischief. 

ALAN: I am not afraid of him in his present state. He is too far gone to notice, I’m going… 

(ALAN MOVES AWAY AND CREEPS INTO THE MILLER’S DAUGHTER’S BED. SHE BEING ASLEEP DOES NOT NOTICE HIM AT FIRST AND WHEN SHE DOES, SHE IS NOT MINDED TO RAISE ANY ALARM. THE ACTIVITIES THAT FOLLOW IN THE BED MAY BE LEFT TO THE IMAGINATION. MEANWHILE JOHN WHO IS LYING AWAKE IN HIS BED HAS THE FOLLOWING THOUGHTS:)

 Well, this is a fine thing! My companion has his way over there while I lie here like an idiot. If this gets out, my fellow students…I think I’ll join in. Simkins seems fast asleep, anyhow. I’ll teach the miller in my own way!

 (JOHN GETS OUT OF BED AND GOES TO THE CRADLE WHICH IS AT THE FOOT OF THE MILLER AND HIS WIFE’S BED AND MOVES IT QUIETLY TO THE FOOT OF HIS OWN BED. SOON AFTER THIS, THE WIFE AWAKES TO ANSWER TOA  CALL OF NATURE. WE SEE HER COMING BACK AND FEELING HER WAY, A BIT BEFUDDLED, FOR THE CRADLE, OF COURSE, NOTHING WAS TO HAND WHERE SHE EXPECTED IT TO BE.)

 WIFE:              Almost made a mistake there! This is one of the students’ beds. Good job I was looking out for the cradle!

 (NATURALLY SHE FOUND THE CRADLE AND THEREBY GETS INTO BED UNWITTINGLY WITH JOHN, FOR A MINUTE SHE LIES STILL. JOHN WAS ALLOWING HER TO BECOME SLEEPY BUT NOT FOR TOO LONG! HE SOON LAYS ON THE GOOD WIFE – LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY, SHE , LIKE HER DAUGHTER, DID NOT THINK IT APPROPRIATE TO DISTURB THE PEACE AND SO THE TWO YOUNG MEN PASSED THE NIGHT UNTIL THE EARLY DAWN)

SCENE 8

 (SAME PLACE. IT IS NOW VERY EARLY MORNING. ALAN HAD CLEARLY IMPRESSED HIS PARTNER)

 ALAN: It is now almost daylight and time to say goodbye for the present. I better not be found here though I would like to remain all morning! Our father may wake up soon – though I doubt it yet! I will wake John as we should be on our way. I love you. I’ll be in touch soon.

 DAUGHTER:               Dear Alan! Goodbye for now. What a lovely night we have spent together! Come back again soon. Before you go there is something I want to tell you. When you leave the mill, near our front door you will see some loaves that were made from your flour. I must confess I helped my father to steal it. Don’t forget the loaves, they are yours! Take care sweetheart, come back soon.

 ALAN: Your father and mother are still asleep. If I go back into my bed everything will seem OK. First I will wake John and see what sort of a time he has had – sleeping there all night.

(ALAN GETS OUT OF THE BED AND CREEPS AWAY)

 ALAN: Ah! Here is the cradle. It seems in a different position but no doubt I am not thinking straight after last night! Maybe the drink is catching up on me! Thank goodness we were told about the cradle being near to the miller’s bed. I’ll creep in beside John and tell him my news!

 (SO ALAN GOES TO THE BED WHERE THERE IS NO CRADLE THINKING OF COURSE, THAT THIS IS WHERE HIS FRIEND WAS SLEEPING BUT IT IS WHERE THE MILLER IS LYING. HE GETS INTO THE BED SO HE CAN SPEAK QUIETLY, AND INCONSPICUOUSLY BELIEVING HE IS NEXT TO JOHN. HE AWAKENS THE FIGURE WHOSE BACK IS TOWARDS HIM AND IN THE HALF LIGHT SAYS) : 

ALAN (WITH A GREAT NOTE OF GLEE IN HIS VOICE):            John, are you awake? Listen to what I have to tell you! What a night I have had! I have had it off with the miller’s daughter three times in the night – honestly. What a passionate lass she is too! I suppose you have been lying here like a fool.

 MILLER:         What! You villain! You harlot! I’ll kill you, by God! You have deflowered my virtuous daughter who was intended for holy matrimony!

(WITH THAT HE GRABS ALAN BY THE THROAT AND PUNCHES HIM: THEN THEY FALL ONTO THE FLOOR FIGHTING. ALAN IN DESPERATION GIVES QUITE A GOOD ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF, GETS TO HIS FEET, BUT IS IMMEDIATELY FLOORED BY THE STRONGER, MORE AGGRESSIVE MILLER. HOWEVER THE MILLER TRIPS UP AND FALLS BACKWARDS ON HIS WIFE WHO IS ALL OBLIVIOUS OF THESE HAPPENINGS AS SHE HAD FALLEN INTO A  DEEP SLEEP AFTER HER NIGHT OF LOVE. NOW SHE WAS RUDELY AWAKENED BY THE FALLING BODY OF HER HUSBAND AND SHOUTS OUT): 

WIFE:              Jesus! What’s happening? Maybe the devil himself come to ravish me! Gerroff! Simkins! (BY NOW SHE IS FULLY AWAKE) What are you up to Simkins? What’s all this fighting?

 (JOHN GETS UP IN GREAT HASTE AND LOOKS ROUND FOR A WEAPON BUT AS THE WIFE KNEW THE LAYOUT BETTER SHE FOUND SOMETHING FIRST. A BROOM HANDLE. HOWEVER WHAT LITTLE LIGHT CAME IN THE ROOM WAS NOT SUFFICIENT TO DISCERN CLEARLY WHO WAS WHO ESPECIALLY AS THEY WERE ALL STILL A LITTLE BIT FUDDLED. NEVERTHELESS SHE WADED IN AND SAW WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS ALAN AND AIMED QUITE A POWERFUL BLOW AT HIS HEAD BUT SHE HIT THE MILLER INSTEAD. THE BLOW KNOCKS HIM SEMI-CONSCIOUS AND THE TWO YOUNG MEN TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO START TO LAY INTO SIMKINS, GIVING HIM A BEATING AND LEAVING HIM LYING ON THE FLOOR. THE TWO WOMEN NATURALLY CAME TO THE MILLER’S DEFENCE BUT INEFFECTUALLY, AND IN ANY CASE THEY WERE SOMEWHAT HALF-HEARTED ABOUT IT UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCE. THERE ARE CRIES OF “LAY OFF” AND “STOP IT”, “YOU BIG BULLIES: ETC., AS THEY STRUGGLE.)

 ALAN: Come on John. Let’s beat it now while the going is good.

 JOHN:             Goodbye, wifey – I won’t forget you. Not after tonight!

 ALAN: Why, what have you been up to?

 JOHN:             I’ll tell you later. You were not the only one to have fun last night!

 ALAN: You bugger! You have been with the miller’s wife!

 (MEANWHILE THE TWO WOMEN LOOK SHEEPISHLY AT ONE ANOTHER, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAYA0

 ALAN: So long, daughter! Call on me in about nine months’ time! Sorry we cannot stop now!

 (THEY DASH OUT, LEAVING THE TWO WOMEN SPEECHLESS AND THE MILLER RECOVERING, GROANING, ON THE FLOOR. BEFORE THEY VACATE THE PREMISES, AS THEY PASS FROM THE BEDROOM INTO THE OUTER ROOM OR LIVING-ROOM/DINING ROOM, THEY GRAB THE LOAVES, THEIR SACK AND ANOTHER SACK BELONGING TO THE MILLER)

 ALAN: Here’s our sack, John.

 JOHN:             Grab those loaves and stuff them in it!

 ALAN: Here’s another one – must be Simkins’. Let’s take that one as well.

 JOHN:             OK one each! Now let’s get going!

 ALAN: We’ve just got to pick up the horse and then we’re in the clear.

 JOHN:             Sorry we had to leave the women so abruptly! And to Simkins’ anger!

 ALAN: Well first things first! We’ll come back one day!

 JOHN:             At least we’ve well and truly repaid that yobbo!

SCENE 9

 (AT THE COLLEGE WARDEN’S HOUSE)

 WARDEN:      Well done lads. You have had a successful trip then?

 JOHN:             Very successful! We cannot tell you all the details but we had a very good time taking the rise out of the miller.

 WARDEN:      You don’t have to tell me everything. You have told me enough. I can read between the lines! I gather the miller and his wife will take some time to get over your “visit”…shall we call it?

 ALAN: They certainly will!

 WARDEN:      And you have come back with more corn than you went with? And all those loaves!

 JOHN:             Well, there they are! 

WARDEN:      So the proud miller is not so proud as he once was?

 ALAN: Not only that, but his wife and precious daughter have been, for want of a better word, compromised, - to say the least!

 WARDEN:      Don’t give me any more details – I don’t want to know (LAUGHINGLY)

 JOHN:             He has not been paid for the meal he gave us either!

 ALAN: No, that’s true. I had forgotten about that.

 JOHN:             Things will never be the same again in this miller’s household, will they, Alan? 

ALAN: That’s for sure. We have indeed proved the old saying “Evil be to him that evil does”!

 WARDEN:      Or put another way, the trickster is himself tricked! (HE LAUGHS)

 (FADE OUT AS SCENE ENDS)

© A.B. Finlay Ph.D